Updated: May 21, 2018
I remember the conservatory. It was a small fantasy tucked away somewhere in the outskirts of Columbus. Maybe. I’m honestly not sure. I only got to know a small part of your world. But there was something beautifully quaint about it. Not to sound cliché, but it feels like a dream now when I think about it. The weather was perfect. The sky was clear. It baffled me how effortlessly cool you were. You are so apologetically you and I think that’s what drew me to you.
On the first day when I got off the plane I couldn’t believe what I was doing. It was exhilarating and petrifying and when I saw you, you came with flowers. Or a single flower? I just know you chose sunflowers. Did you remember that they were my favorite? They’re such an optimistic flower. They rise with sun as if to celebrate every new day. That’s how I wanted to live.
When the initial shock wore off, all I could do was look at you. Take you in. You were beautiful. Your smile is gentle, your blonde hair so soft, and your frost blue eyes were breathtaking. That first day I felt like I could just kiss you endlessly and it wouldn’t be enough.
I was falling for you. No. I fell for you. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to leap into the new and unknown. We know how this part of the story went. I went back home and foolishly, back to her. What I fail to tell you. What I avoid saying, is that I too wonder what it would have been like had I never made that decision. Would we be living together in Ohio in your vintage home with your beautifully eclectic furniture and knick knacks? Would I have contributed to that space? Would we walk our dogs together? Would they hate each other?
I’ve had this fantasy where I surprise you by showing up to your door. I have flowers. It’s cold out. And because this is reality and not a movie, you’re not home so I awkwardly hang out on your stoop all day while I send subtle texts trying to find out when you’ll be home. But when you finally pull up. I’m all smiles. And I’m overcome by that same need to kiss you endlessly. But once again this is not a movie and I cannot project my fantasies onto others and I am still too broken and uncertain for a love like that.
You’re still hurting. And I wish I could heal your heart. There is this song lyric that goes “I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a rose. I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.” I know how much you love flowers, and if I could I would buy you a flower shop and you could spend your day fawning over bright zinnias, cooing over gentle tulips, and admiring the strong willed sunflowers. During their respective seasons of course. I could see you with flowers in your hair and you’d be happy. I want nothing more for you to be happy.
All my love.
(Photo Source: glassbonespaperskin.tumblr.com)